


Facing Your Feelings Might Actually Be Good

by TearsOverQueerbaiting



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I mean I wrote it intending to be angst, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Intrusive Thoughts, SO, some people told me it was very fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 10:08:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20833706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TearsOverQueerbaiting/pseuds/TearsOverQueerbaiting
Summary: Virgil is trying to distance himself from the others, so it would hurt less when he has to go back to the Dark Sides. Roman, however, is trying to understand and help Virgil





	Facing Your Feelings Might Actually Be Good

**Author's Note:**

> I'm at tumblr at https://www.tumblr.com/blog/tears-over-queerbaiting

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Virgil got up from bed. He’d rather not, and just swallow in self-pity staring at the ceiling, but the person knocking would probably knock again. It was probably Logan. He’d tell Virgil to give Thomas some quick and useful anxiety, Virgil would do it as quickly as possible and then return to the quietness of his room.

It was not Logan.

It was Roman.

Virgil tried to steady himself. Put on a persona. A cold, uninterested persona, the complete opposite of what Virgil was feeling. Please, God, do not let him see that my eyes are red.

“What do you want?” Roman flinched at that. Perhaps that was a bit more passionate than intended. And heaven knows Roman didn’t deserve Virgil’s anger.

Roman, however, didn’t immediately answer. He stared at Virgil for a good couple of seconds, his eyes clouded, indicating he was creating courage to say whatever it was that brought him there. Finally, after an eternity in which Virgil had to stare back at those beautiful eyes of Roman and not flinch, Roman started:

“You told Thomas you were a Dark Side.”

So that’s what this was about. Roman had come here to hear it from the horse’s mouth. Or perhaps end their friendship there.

Good. Then this could all be finally over. It was fitting that Roman was the one who took the initiative. Because Virgil has been delaying it for a very long time. The anxious side drifted his eyes to the wooden floor beneath them and leaned into the door frame. To look at Roman’s eyes now would be torture, and even Virgil knew better than that.

So, let’s do this. Let’s end all of this, before I fall even more in love with you. It would crush Virgil someday. He knew it. Falling in love with Roman was a recipe to disaster, but Virgil was blinded by warm smiles and kind words. Not now, however. Now, Virgil has to be strong for once in his life, and ignore how close Roman was, how soft his clothes seemed, how defined his body looked beneath that attire. Ignore all that, and end this conversation as fast as possible, because Virgil for sure didn’t trust his heart around the prince.

“Yeah. I did.” Virgil waited for the answer, for whatever Roman wanted to say, but nothing came. Just when he was about to sigh and turn back to his bed, he heard Roman say:

“I’m sorry about that. The name, I mean” his voice was laced with guilt, which Virgil decided very pointedly to ignore, no matter the twists his stomach was making “It’s very mean, ‘Dark Sides’.” Virgil kept his silence, hoping that was all. Of course it wasn’t “You’re not dark, is what I’m trying to say. I mean, you have your whole emo thing going on, but you’re not evil.” This was bad. This was going worse than Virgil expected. “What did…” Roman’s words were so incredibly careful, what only hurt more “What did Thomas say?”

This was bad, bad, bad! Roman wasn’t here to finally end it all, the stupid sweetheart was here to be a good friend! Which meant that Virgil had to cut the ties between them. Because Virgil would, inevitably, have to leave the sides. Very, very soon, Virgil would need to distance himself from Roman. And if Roman was going to try to maintain what they had, wow, was it going to be hard. Virgil really, really, just wanted to ignore it all, and keep feeding his crush for Roman, but not even Roman could fix this. And the sooner Virgil got himself away from Roman, the easier. Or so he hoped.

“He-didn’t-say-anything-is-that-all?” Virgil said, as fast as possible, already closing the door. Maybe he didn’t have the guts to fight with Roman, but flight he could do. Roman, however, was faster, and stopped the door with his hand.

“Virgil…” Roman’s voice was unbelievably sweet and sad. Virgil had to put his hands on the pockets of his hoodie so Roman wouldn’t see he was shaking “We can help. Logan and Patton and me. I think Thomas is angry at you, yes, but he’s wrong! We can tell him that! Logan and Patton can convince him. It will all be alright.” Virgil didn’t respond. He didn’t know what to say, how to act, how to even swallow the lump in his throat. “Virgil? Virgil! You’re shaking!”

Oh. So maybe hiding his hands didn’t hide it. Shit. Roman put his hands on Virgil’s arms, leaning in, trying to make eye contact with Virgil.

“Roman, don’t.” Virgil’s voice was shaky and —crap— it sound like he wanted to cry. Which wasn’t necessarily a lie, but Roman didn’t have to know that. He tried to move away, but Roman’s hands were still in his trembling arms, and Roman’s grip was strong. Gosh, Virgil really wanted to dwell on that fact, but now was not the time.

“Don’t what? What is happening? Talk to me” The worry in his voice was the tipping point for Virgil.

“Don’t do this! Don’t come close to me! Don’t be nice to me! Don’t try to help me! Don’t try to fix the situation I ruined!” He finally build up the courage to look into Roman’s eyes. There was anger in Virgil’s voice, and it was not faked. This was a storm that had been building up for a long time, ever since that first time Roman made Virgil doubt everything he knew, and Virgil hated it. He hated how hopeless he was to Roman. He hated how pathetic he was, to fall in love with the most out of reach side, and keep feeding his crush. He hated how weak Roman made him.

“Why won’t you let me help you?” Why won’t Roman just understand?! Why was he so desperate to help someone as messed up as Virgil, someone who betrayed all of Roman’s trust, who hid stuff from him?

“Because it’s not fair!” Virgil sounded so desperate, so broken, but he couldn’t hold it back “You can’t help me, and you’re only giving me useless hope for something I can’t have! It’s not fair to my feelings for you to feed into my desires, when I know I am going to end up heartbroken! You have done this many times, Roman, and I let you, because I was a fool in love, but now I can’t!”

There is silence, and Virgil thinks it can all be finally over, but Roman says:

“In… love?”

Not ideal. Definitely not ideal. Maybe this works, after all. Maybe telling Roman his feelings will scare him or shock him enough that he will walk away from Virgil.

“I was in love with you. I am in love with you. Took you some time to know, uh? I mean, all the others know for a while” that was a truly failed attempt at humor. Roman didn’t let it shake him. He was still with a shocked and hurt face.

“How long have you known?” They were whispering now, as if speaking any louder than that might break this stability they reached, more fragile than glass.

“You really want to know? July 2017”

“When you ducked out” Roman seemed to be talking to himself, but Virgil kept going. If this was going to be the last time he would talk to Roman, he would tell all there was to tell.

“You were… so kind, and you were starting to panic, but you still said so many sweet things. I mean, I knew I was attracted to you since the beginning of times, but that day I fell in love. And then I saved you, and you looked at me with so much gratitude… it was easy falling for you.”

“August 12, 2017” Roman whispered, like that date expressed what a thousand words could not. For Virgil, however, it didn’t ring a bell.

“What about August 12, 2017?”

“We were watching a movie, the four of us, on the living room—Patton’s ideia, of course” Virgil started to remember it. The first time he was invited to do something so incredibly family-like with the others “We ended up falling asleep on the couch. I woke up at sunrise and when I looked at you… you were still sleeping, but the sun light hit you just right and your hair was out of your face and I wanted to photograph that so I could look at that scene forever. I realized it then.”

Virgil blinked twice, very cartoonish.

“I-I’m sorry, Roman, I don’t understand. What are you trying to say?”

“That’s the day.” Roman said. His habit of not completely explaining his sentences was starting to get on Virgil’s nerve. He realized Virgil was still clueless and added, barely more than a whisper “The day I fell in love with you.”

Everything turned silent.

Roman. Roman liked him. Roman was in love with him. For way, way too long. More than 2 years.

2 years. 2 years that could have been spent by kissing, hugging, dating Roman. 2 years where Virgil spent almost every day pinning after Roman, hating his feelings. 2 years where Virgil was incredibly wrong about Roman’s feelings.

Maybe Virgil should have seen it before. Maybe he should have listened to the small part of him that whispered that all those moments they shared had to mean something.

And Virgil couldn’t help but wonder Why? Why did Roman love him? After all of this? After everything Virgil ever did, all the lies, all the insults, all the pushing away, why did Roman love him?

Why Virgil? When there were so many better? When there was Logan, who was collected and sure and everything Virgil should be. When there was Patton, who was sweet and bright and everything Virgil wished to be. When there was Deceit, who was powerful and clever and everything Virgil once tried to be. They were hot, and cute, and sexy, and Virgil… What was Virgil, next to the calm, caring, intelligent sides?

Maybe Roman was attracted to Virgil. Appearance was easy for Roman to enjoy. Virgil must have been pretty, if he looked identical to Roman, who was the epitome of beauty and charm. Maybe he just mistook attraction for love.

But this was Roman. Virgil trusted him. And he knew the prince well enough to know that Roman wouldn’t say he loved him if it was just base attraction. He could be lonely and insecure, but he wouldn’t say it unless he was sure that he loved someone.

Believing it was somehow worse. It meant facing all the feelings and insecurities that threatened to tear Virgil up from the inside.

It wasn’t silent anymore. Now there was pressure building up on Virgil’s lung, a buzzing in his ears, and he was sure there were tears threatening to spill.

“Two years” Virgil whispered. Roman undertood everything unsaid. All the guilt and regret build up on those two words.

The prince leaned forward, cupping Virgil’s cheeks, and the strength the dark side had to not lean into the touch surprised him.

“May I?” Roman asked. The gentleness hit Virgil like a bucket of cold water.

God, Virgil loved Roman. He loved this gentle, kind, sweet, caring, beautiful gentleman.

So now it was up to Virgil. Did he want Roman to kiss him?

A part of Virgil yelled No! That was a strong part of him. The part that knew that doing this, only to later on distance himself, would hurt so much. To know how Roman tasted and felt could be torture. And if the Others knew how much Roman meant to Virgil, was it past them to mess with Roman to get to him? Roman could get hurt by doing this, and that was something Virgil feared more than anything.

But there was an other part of him. A part that really, really wanted to kiss Roman. And, wow, Virgil wanted to kiss Roman. He wanted to know what Roman could do and feel like. He wanted to ignore everything, and just kiss Roman, because this is what he has been dreaming of for the last 2 years. This part is, for once, the loudest part of his brain.

And, well, Virgil always knew Roman made him weak. Maybe it could be a good thing.

Virgil leaned forward and Roman met him mid-air.

Roman smelled of lilies and roses and every other flower. He smelled of a sunset by the sea. He smelled of summer and wind. He smelled of every moment the two of them ever spent together.

Roman tasted like cherry. He tasted like Coke. He tasted like a box of chocolates shared over a beautiful view. He tasted like every word the two of them ever said to each other.

Roman felt like living. He felt like adrenaline. He felt like music. He felt like everything Virgil ever felt.

Roman smelled, tasted and felt like Roman. And that was more than anything Virgil could ever ask for.

After what could have been eternity but would never feel enough, they leaned out. Virgil discovered he had a hand on Roman’s shoulder and his face was salty from the tears, and was childishly happy to notice Roman’s hand on his hair.

Roman had that smile that could destroy stars. A smug and proud smile that made Virgil’s knees weaken way more than it annoyed him. But it was also an unbelievably happy smile. And Virgil was sure he had a similar one on his face.

Roman’s eyes twinkled with something only his eyes could do, and Virgil decided to finally believe him.

Believe that Virgil was worthy of being loved, that there was something in him that could be cherished and deserved to be.

Believe that Roman loved him. That he wasn’t confused, he wasn’t being impulsive, he actually, truly, loved Virgil, and had so for a while.

And, finally, believe that this could be fixed. That Virgil could explain himself, and Thomas would understand it. That Virgil was still part of their fam ily.

“You’re unbelievable” Roman muttered, that smile never fading.

“Is that good or is that bad?” Virgil laughed, still hypnotized by those eyes.

“Good, because you’re… you” It was unfair for Roman to be charming when Virgil could barely breathe! “On the other hand, did you really not notice I liked you? I couldn’t even speak when you changed hoodies!”

“Shut up!” Virgil smacked him lightly in his arm, but there was no meanness to it, only lighthearted banter “How did you not notice? I’m really bad at hiding positive feelings!”

Roman laughed, and Virgil swore he wished to bottle up that sound and listen to it whenever he wanted to.

Virgil stepped away just a bit, just enough to hold Roman’s hand “Roman, do you truly believe I could fix this?”

Roman looked like he would fight a thousand beasts for his loved one’s sake, and that look answered all of Virgil’s questions before the prince even opened his mouth “I do”

Virgil couldn’t help but love this man.


End file.
